Betrayal and Guilt

It sucks, you know.  When everything is doing fine, then it all crashes again.  And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it all back together again.  But I have to. 

 

Life is a very funny thing.  And so are relationships.  You want to believe that there's one relationship in life that's beyond betrayal.  A relationship that's beyond that kind of hurt.  But there isn't.  And sadly, I feel very betrayed but don't want to feel this way.  I want to get back up and put things back to normal, to let everything go.  But I can't, and I feel horrible about it.  

 

I feel guilty that I can't forgive just yet; and there's that dark monster inside of me that doesn't ever want to forgive.  It just wants to sit in it's cave of despair and anger and let the wounds fester.  Let everything bottle up until something gives and someone eventually gets hurt.  And I hate that I feel this way.

 

But than I think, it should be okay for me to feel a little hurt.  It is within my rights to be angry.

 

So what is worse; feeling guilty about being angry about a betrayal?  Or thinking it's okay to feel angry and not want to forgive?  Can anyone help me sort out which one is worse???

A Mess

So I have a question.  Did anyone notice the blog name change? Probably not because I think only 2 people look at this blog once every month.  Oh well, it's easier for me to write if I feel like I am talking to someone.  Which explains why I always seem to be addressing someone on this blog.  Yes, I am talking to you random citizen in the back row.

Back to name change. I get distracted a lot don't I?  Maybe I have ADHD?  (I'll have to ask my mother if she has been keeping secrets...)

ok name change. The old name of this blog was No Regrets, which describes how I am trying to live my life. Living it completely with no regrets.  And I do love that.  But it also failed to describe the reality of exactly how my life is.  My life is completely hectic.  It is crazy and I often find myself falling down into craziness with it.  I am a mess and my life is a mess.  But that is what I love about it.  All of that craziness is what makes it possible for me to add pages and chapters to the story of my life.  It is what turns it from a simple ordered list to a tale with excitement, grief, terror, happiness, and love.  My life is beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about it.  And the more I realize this simple fact, the more I get to that point of no regret.  Hence, the name change.

I want to live my life knowing there is always something around the corner; a new story.  An adventure.  And even though some adventures are hard, they are always worth it.  

I found this quote on Pinterest the other day, 

This is kind of how I want to be.  It might not make sense but in this quote I see twinkling lights, someone with sparkling eyes and a lasting smile.  It is someone who I want to become, someone who never lets a day go to waste and make the best of everything.

And the good new is, i'm getting closer and closer everyday :)

That Black Hole Named Pitch Perfect

Pitch Perfect.  You all know what i'm talking about right?  Because everyone and their dog has seen Pitch Perfect at least 7 times.  At least that is what it seems like.  But just to clarify, I am not bashing Pitch Perfect. Actually, I love the movie!  I think it is incredibly hilarious and happen to sing the songs quite loudly   and   off key  perfectly every single day in my car!  As soon as my sister gets in the car she automatically knows to plug her ipod in and turn it to Pitch Perfect.

At times I feel as if my life has turned into a Pitch Perfect musical.  And that is the problem.  (Now it is time for me to bash the completely unoriginal and insipid half of humanity.)  Because lesbihonest here, there is a problem.  Let me explain.  The whole of society has been caught up in Pitch Perfect.  And once you're there you can never get out; It is a black hole.  It is impossible to walk down the street without hearing someone talk about this movie.  Literally every single conversation is laced with Pitch Perfect quotes/references.  My little town of Cedar has been sucked into the black hole; and I am afraid it will never come out.    There is probably now a Pitch Perfect religion, leaving the LDS church in the dust with it's new-found minority status.

Now, don't get me wrong, at first it was fun to quote the movie and have everyone laugh and think you were pretty awesome.  But now it has just become tiresome.  At times i feel myself wishing I was a bear so I could hibernate and sleep past this fad.  But than I think, why a bear?  Why couldn't I just wish to live in another country for 6 months until it is past? Because it is a plague.  One that will soon dominate the whole world. It has even taken over Pinterest.  And that's when you know it is acca-serious. But for the sake of everyone else, I hope it just stays rooted in Cedar, even though I am left festering in it's obnoxiousness.  Because that is how much I care about all of you.  

So just a warning to anyone planning to visit Cedar, if you can't find it than we are still stuck inside a black hole.  Or if you do find it, be sure to bring some other movies with awesome quotes to protect yourself with.

But if you do get infected, at least you wont have Herpes.  (Or do you have that as well?)

Crushed it.

In the Moment

The past 2 months I have come to realize something very crucial about myself.  A character flaw I would even say.  I am only an "in the moment" kind of person.  I have literally sat down at this computer for hours and have tried with all my might to write a post.  But if it has been over 4 days since what I wanted to write about happened, than it is almost impossible for me to actually do it.  It is really sad, because I had so many great things that I wanted to write about.  And maybe one day I will get to them.  Which beings up my #1 character flaw; procrastination.  It is ridiculously hard to hit that 4 day mark when I could win the title of "World's Best Procrastinator."
But everything is about to change. (ignoring the voice inside my head saying, "yeah Right," in a drunk sounding laugh)  I know, how many times will I be saying this.  But at least I keep trying, right? That has got to say something good about me.  But seriously I have to start writing for real now; because of my awesome new internship!

My new amazing, jaw-droppingly cool Internship
What is it you might ask?  Well, I will now be interning at the Daily News, which is a Southern Utah newspaper.  I have only been there one day but it was literally love at first sight.  For the first 3-4 weeks I will be shadowing 2 writers; running around town investigating news, giving interviews, photographing everything.  And than for the rest of the months, I will be running crazy around town by myself and actually be allowed to write my own stories about whatever I want! Which will of course be published in the newspaper!

So that is why I need to start writing on this blog, because obviously I need to touch up on my writing skills.  I seem to have lost a lot of whatever was there in the first place.  (any english gurus feel free to critique and give feedback) Rewind to 1st paragraph; now this is why I have to constantly write in order have things to write about.  Because my mind won't let me write about things that are sooo yesterday. My subconscious is such a snob.

Life

I feel that my life is kind of a sick joke.  Those who know my life might or might not agree.  But I feel like I am being constantly pushed down again and again.  That there is some malicious force who enjoys throwing things at me just so they can laugh every time I fall down.  And maybe there is.  Don't get me wrong, my life is great and I love it.  But there is always something.
For example, on Thursday I found out that I got accepted to Southern Utah University and I won the very prestigious Sterling Scholar award for Social Science at my school.  Yet on the same day a very sweet and beautiful daughter of God passed away.  It broke all of our hearts.  I just feel so blessed and privileged that she was allowed in my life.  Because I learned so much from her.
So, understandably, it has been hard to think about and be happy for the good things that have happened to me.  I feel like it's always like this for me.  And than I realized.  That this is just how life works.  It will always be like this, so I better get used to it.  I need to just remember and cherish the good things more and quickly get through the downs of life so I can experience more of the great things.

So more on Brittany Lacy (the girl who passed away) and the Sterling Scholar later.  This was about all I could write today.

The Christmas Spirit.

I love Christmas, I really do.  I love the tree, the twinkling lights, the holiday movies, hot chocolate by the fire place, and even the constant Christmas music.  I just love the whole magical feeling that is in the air during this time of year.

But sadly, and with no particular reason, for the past few years I havn't felt that warm feeling of Christmas.  Maybe my mind thinks i'm too old or maybe I'm just turning into some old man who yells at anyone who sings Christmas songs. (you know, besides the man part.)  Because I could totally see myself turning into this...

 (And I apologize for this cat picture, I know its going around   everywhere lately but i laughed way hard when I saw it.)

But tonight, for the first time, I got that tingly, happy, warm, Christmas feeling again!

So you know those annoying people who stand in front of Wal-Mart ringing bells and yelling Merry Christmas at you in order to trick you into donating your hard earned cash?  Well I became one of them tonight.  Yes I did it all.  I pasted on a smile, rang the bell, and shouted a myriad of season's greetings at the top of my lungs.  I surprised one lady so bad on her way out of the automatic doors that I wouldn't doubt if she had reoccurring PTSD every time someone said "Merry Christmas" to her.  Arn't I awesome. :)

We did that for about the first 15 minutes.  And I admit it was pretty fun.  But than it happened.  An angel from the other entrance came our way.  It was a helper from the shift before us with a Ukulele, volunteering to play and sing with our group for another hour.  I swear he had a heavenly light around him and I could have kissed right there in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  I didn't, even though he was quite attractive, and for the rest of the hour and a half we played the ukulele and sang our hearts out to Christmas tunes.  (We were so good that we even attracted quite a crowd at some points.  I honestly thought that the security would come out and ask us to break it up because we were causing traffic jams and risking possible accidents.)

Honestly, I have never been so happy while being so cold!  And the best part is, we were doing all of this while volunteering and serving others.  This is what Christmas is all about.  Coming together with complete strangers, being completely happy, having the time of our lives, and doing Christ-like acts.  Tonight this is what finally gave me that amazing feeling of joy and contentment.  All simply within a Wal-Mart parking lot...

Flashback to Halloween.

Halloween this year was really great.  But since it was over a month ago, I don't really have it in me to write about it.  So here is just a few pictures.

Family Pumpkins.  Mine is the amazing one on the right.

Putting finishing touches on Kenz's amazing costume.

                                           Can anyone tell who she is?? P.S. It rhymes with
                                           Rob Moss?? Anyone, anyone.  (oh and i totally came
                                                                                               up with the idea :)

                                                                  Crew the Caveman

                                                        Shauna's beautiful Day of the Dead

                                                A zombie attacking my bishop.  Walking dead anyone?

The cutest devil ever.

                                                             
                                                          And finally, the 3 cousins!